Record Profits

I'm a Capitalist. I think the best way to get the best deal on goods and services is competition. I want people to make money. Lots and lots of money. It's good for the economy, it's good for private individuals, it's the American way.

However, that doesn't mean I have to be happy about Exxon posting an 11.6 BILLION DOLLAR profit last quarter. That's last quarter by the way. Meaning the last 3 months unless my math is off.

Now when they report that profit, I'm assuming that's what they take home at the end of the day after everything else is taken care of. Like paying employees. Like exploration. Like research and development. Like all the other things that they whine about having to pay for. Yes, those things are expensive, however at the end of the day you're still wiping your butt with $1000 dollar bills.

In the meantime, we're paying out the rectum for gas. Think about this - the minimum wage is about $5.50 give or take. We'll say that most gas tanks are anywhere from 12 - 17 gallons...we'll just say 15 gallons. So at $4/gallon it costs $60 to fill that sucker up...or almost 11 hours of work (gross pay, not net). So in a 40 hour week more than a quarter of their gross pay goes to gas. That's working to get to work so that you can put gas in your tank to get to work. That's a steaming pile of BS.

I don't like to point out problems without solutions, but there is no solution. The only thing that would immediately help is for oil companies to cut back on their profits for the good of their fellow man. Fat F'n Chance.

I guess there is one happy thought that I can take out of this whole situation. Meet Exxon's CEO, Lee F. Raymond.



There are so many things to be said about this picture...it's probably best I leave it up to your imagination. The dude's got mad cash, and yet there he sits; yellow broken teeth and a giant chin-pillow. I bet he smells like cashmere and cheese. And I'm sure he's crying himself to sleep on his triple-king-sized bed of money. What an A-Hole.

Oh My...

I have GOT to get in on this business...



I mean really...I have a garage. I can locate a diesel vehicle. I like $1/gallon gas. Seems like a win-win-win all the way around...anybody wanna go in on it with me?

You Know These Guys...

Our good friends at FoxNews ran a story over the weekend concerning Grady "Skip" Wilburn Dollar, 64, and Mickey Joe Hill, 37, both of whom hail from the Heart of Dixie, Moulton, Alabama. However, they could be some of you guys' neighbors.

It seems our good friends "Skip" and Mickey Joe were sitting around as men are wont to do, drinking some frosty beverages. The article even points out that their "beer" of choice was Natural Light.

Well, they ran out and somebody had to go to the store. I guess Mickey Joe volunteered to go, and ol' Skip gave him a ten-spot. When Mickey Joe returned, he only had 4 Natty Lights!! Everybody knows that a tenner will bring back a half rack of that goat pee. Rightly annoyed, but apparently willing to shake it off, Skipster asked for one of the beers...and Mickey Joe REFUSED! What's more, he pushed the poor old codger. (Natty Light WILL make you crazy...see below)

At this point anything is possible. Not only was Skip cheated out of his change, that little turd wouldn't even give him one of the cold ones HIS MONEY BOUGHT. A man can only take so much. Especially under the influence of the most Natural of Light beers. So Skip did what any self-respecting, drunken, elderly Southerner would do; he went to the kitchen, retrieved a butcher knife, and stabbed Mickey Joe in what the article calls his "lower abdomen". You know as well as I do what that old man was trying to do.

The last line of the whole article is fitting I think. It reads:

"Dollar was free on $5,000 bond. Richard said records did not reflect that he had hired an attorney, and there was no telephone listing in Dollar's name."

So Mr. Dollar nearly castrated a man over $6 and a Natural Light, but can cough up 5 grand in bail? Also, are you as surprised as I was to find out that there was no telephone listed in Skip's name? I'm speechless.

Here's the link to the FoxNews story: Beer Fight!

Weekend Hiatus

Please forgive me for not posting this weekend, but chances are good that posts will be sporadic at best on Saturdays and Sundays. I like to think that I have better things to do...

That being said, I won't rule out weekend posts altogether. Sometimes I've got something I just need to say. I know you consider yourselves lucky.

A View of the Afterlife

This is hell.



Otherwise known as a Chinese swimming pool. I cannot IMAGINE being in that churning, stinking, urine-filled cesspool, shoulder to shoulder with some slippery, peeing stranger. It just looks like a good place to get a staph infection or some kind of contact herpe.

AND you know there are some serious shenanigans going on in that water. Half naked people...in the water...waves moving them up and down...it's not that much of a stretch. With my luck I'd get stuck right next to them. Nothing says good morning like being pushed up next to a little nekkid Chinaman.

Proof

Let it not be said that I have no "soft side". I saw this video and had to post it. It's actually pretty amazing. However, I'd watch it with the sound off...the music is painfully awful.



Maybe the most amazing part was that these two yahoos flew their butts to AFRICA to find a LION, even after they were told the lion was wild (read: the lion can eat your face off...because that's what lions do). The headline of this video could have easily been "2 White Guys Find Lion They Were Looking For, Closed Casket Services to be Announced."

Still...worth watching.

Drink Ye a Tankard of Ale!

This is Rogue American Amber Ale. It is brewed at the Rogue Brewery in Newport, Oregon, which is now on my list of places I have to go before I die.



This is what the Rogue Website says about the American Amber:

Tawny amber in color with a coffee aroma and tight head. A delicate roasted malt accent, generous use of hops and a smooth finish. American Amber, originally known as Ashland Amber (created at Rogues original brewpub in Ashland, Oregon which was destroyed by flooding several years ago), is created from Northwest Harrington and Klages, 95-115 and 135-165 Crystal Malts. Kent Golding and Cascade Hops. American Amber is available in a 22-ounce bottle, 12-ounce 6-pack (new for 2005), and on draft.

Most of that doesn't make sense to me either, but I do have a good hold on the final result, which is wonderful.

While the Rogue family of beers are not readily available at every purveyor of delicious libations, you can find a few of their offerings at a smattering of places here and there. Along with the American Amber Ale, Rogue brews my favorite domestic beer of all time, Rogue Hazlenut Brown Nectar, which proves very elusive to find in my general vicinity.

There are a vast array of Rogue beers, many of which I have had, and I have never had a bad one. My cousin, on the other hand, refuses to drink this beer because, and I quote, "Amber beers give [him] night terrors."

You can check out the entire family of Rogue beers here: MMmmmmmm.....Beer

Since I Have a Soapbox...

Let me not be misrepresented. I am a proud citizen of the Commonwealth of Kentucky. I hold our countryside to be as beautiful as any in this great Union of ours; our people to be some of the most hospitable and kind. We are the home to world class thoroughbreds, Jim Beam, Makers Mark, Louisville Slugger, the Corvette, and Cassius Clay. Our world as a whole would be a much darker place without these things. However, we are also one of the few remaining places in this country that holds on to an outdated and Puritanical idea that just WILL NOT DIE...the dry county.

Check out this map:

For a larger version, click HERE.

Everywhere you see the darkest blue color, you are seeing a dry county. The next to darkest blue is a "moist" county. Notice anything strange? How about that nearly the entire state of Kentucky is dry. Do you see that anywhere else? Texas has a lot of "moist" counties...but you can still have a (restricted) drink in those.

Here is my problem: the dry county is a remnant of a bygone era. It hearkens back to a time when Kentucky was the buckle of the Bible Belt and hell-fire and brimstone preaching was the order of the day. Somehow we have remained in a time-warp when it comes to this issue.

At 18 years old a young man can be shipped off to train to go overseas and fight for our freedom, but let him come home to Kentucky and try to have a drink. No dice. Even if the soldier is 21 there is still a good chance he can't go downtown and have a beer. It's like we're saying, "You're good enough to sacrifice your life to keep us free, but you're not free enough to have a drink...that would be wrong."

I would love to sit down with somebody in the know and have them explain to me the problem. I just want to hear them out and weigh their argument against common sense. Chances are there wouldn't be a satisfactory answer they could give as to why GAM aren't ALLOWED in a FREE COUNTRY to buy alcohol in their town. It's asinine.

Part of the problem is the older generation who was brought up to believe that drinking was the devil and alcohol was the tool of Satan used to swiftboat men to Hell. Those people are the ones that kick their feet and scream to high Heaven when any progressive legislation finds its way onto a local ballot. Those are the old farts that time and again rally together and vote down Demon Alcohol. Luckily, those people can't live forever.

Freedom ain't free. A lot of good men have given their lives to make sure Americans are able to live their lives just exactly the way they want. That's what America is about. It's WELL past time that we start treating Americans like adults able to make their own decisions and not like children who can't think for themselves.

Not everyone will choose to drink. Fine. That is your RIGHT as an American. Give me the same right to make my own choices, regardless of what county I happen to live in.

For more information on dry counties, check out this link: Dry County Foolishness

Well Done Sir. Well Done.

This is an old picture. Many of you have probably already seen it. It is a fine example of how a determined man, armed only with a piece of scrap posterboard and a magic marker can carve out a place for himself in the Pantheon of Iconic Images (PII).



The best part of this picture is that I was there. That's right. This was taken right in front of the Augusta National Golf Club in 2003, and I walked right past that guy. At the time it was the most brilliant thumb-in-the-eye I'd ever seen. I'd be hard pressed to find one I like better now.

On a side note, I also met Martha Burke. She was about 4'5" and as she passed I could have easily pushed her down a flight of stairs; an action I'm CONVINCED would have given me cult celebrity status in Augusta. She stomped around my workplace, barked out orders, and generally paraded herself around as a grade-A turd-in-a-box. I probably would have been off probation by now...

Anyway, being in Augusta at that point was really something. All those people drove into town, most of the women pissed off and fit to be tied, most of the men drunk and laughing at the women. The thing that I don't think Martha Burke realized when she opened that can of worms was that those old men in that old club didn't give two duck farts about the image they were sending to the world at large.

Those guys combined have more cash than the GNP of most developing nations AND they're old. There is no tougher nut to crack than a rich old man. They've lived their lives, they have means, and they don't like anyone or anything besides sitting in a smokey room playing cards and talking down to the help. That's why I love every one of them.

All of this rambling to say this: I was there. I saw this event unfold. I laughed then, I'm laughing now, and I will continue to laugh until I'm an old, crabby, cranky, (hopefully) filthy stinking rich old curmudgeon.

Comedy Gold.

From the "WTF Files"

This is 15 year old Miley Cyrus.



Let me re-iterate one more time that the photo above is of 15 Year Old Miley Cyrus, daughter of former mullet casualty Billy Ray Cyrus, best known for his daughter, 15 year old Miley Cyrus.

I keep reinforcing her age for good reason. Evidently the good people that bring you LifeStyles brand condoms have approached young Ms. Cyrus with a briefcase containing $1,000,000(US) and an offer to be a pitch-girl for their contraceptives.

I can see it now. Giant billboards with this minor on them, holding a cucumber with a glittery rubber on it, huge crooked smile on her face. Caption: "Condoms are Super-Neato!" Or "Let's Play Grown-Up!"

Generally I'm not a tight-wad about taboo subjects. I rather like to push the envelope of what people are comfortable talking about (if not always in this blog). However, even I have to draw the line at sexing up minors. I realize that's the way society is trending, but if society was trending towards taking out an adjustable rate mortgage for more than you can afford would you...well, maybe a bad example.

The point is that 15 year old little girls are not supposed to try and sell me jimmy-hats. I don't want to buy prophylactic from a "Tween Superstar". I will not argue with the people who say, "Well, I was doing it at that age!" Or, "It's not like she doesn't know how to use them!" These are probably fair and true statements. But shouldn't we hold off the public objectification of women until they're in college? Because really, isn't that what those 6 years are for?

So, either this is one of those internet hoaxes that some uber-geek is in his attic bedroom laughing about, or we are officially on our way to purchasing a handbasket to travel in. I am inclined to think the latter. But if it is true, KUDOS to you guys running LifeStyles brand condoms; you really know how to make yourselves look like a bunch of perverts.

Here's a link to the original story: Thank Heaven, for little...nevermind

Props

Big thanks to Josh Keown at 9one and Area502 for adding me as a link on his blogs. I've done the same (bottom right of this page). Check them out...definitely worth a read.

Trouble Brewing

This is Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. This is maybe the only person on this planet (besides Kimbo Slice) that scares the absolute sh*t out of me.

Let me explain. This guy is a hard-line Islamic leader. Not only that, he is a hard-line Islamic leader who HATES us. Not only does he HATE us, he HATES us and has nuclear weapons. Now maybe he can't get to us directly, but he can get to Israel. He's on record as saying that the State of Israel "should vanish from the pages of time." He said the holocaust was a myth. He said there are no gays in his country (probably because they are routinely killed). That is some crazy rhetoric for the 21st century.

If he was to go after Israel, we would be pulled into the conflict as we have made it no secret that we'll enter the altercation on the side of Israel. If they shoot their nukes we'll probably shoot our nukes and then there we are...nuclear war. NUCLEAR WAR. I think we talk about the concept of nuclear war without ever really trying to quantify what that would actually mean.

It's bad. Really really bad. I'm not a scientist. But I've seen the footage from the 40's of a decimated Hiroshima. Those people are still paying for that attack. I've seen camera crews at Chernobyl pull out their radiation meters and have them still spike. That is horrifying. Both of those events would be nothing compared to what would probably be let loose in the event of nuclear war.

Iran has turned into that little guy in the classroom who is sick and tired of the big kids telling him what to do. All you have to do is log on to CNN or FoxNews to see what this guy is up to. He's recruiting. He's getting support from other nations. He's solidifying his backing. Pretty soon he's going to have enough confidence to do pretty much anything.

Am I suggesting we can't handle the situation? No. I think we could eventually handle the situation. But what would the price be? I think it's too early to try and calculate, but suffice it to say that we have probably never seen its like.

I'm not a big follower of politics, and especially not geo-politics, but even I have had to start paying attention. The world is unstable right now and you can almost feel that something is brewing. It just feels strange these days. I don't know a better way to describe it.

I didn't intend to be a buzz-kill this morning, but THIS ARTICLE got in my head. And what is this blog for if not being my receptacle for brain overflow.

Get Some Nuts

So, I don't want this blog to be totally dependent on videos and whatnot, but sometimes it cannot be helped. Such is the case with this video, produced to hawk satisfying candy bars. Personally I think it's pretty funny.



Let it be known that I do not endorse the pelting of any person with nutty candy bars, however seeing Mr. T do it makes my soul smile.

Japanese Sense of Humor

This is a pretty old video, but I think it's worth posting. Just a little background - the point of the game is for contestants to recite the words in the yellow box as fast as possible without making a mistake. If they do happen to slip up, well...



I fully expect this kind of "entertainment" to filter over to the states pretty soon..."I Survived a Japanese Gameshow" is just the beginning.

Feeling My Pain...

These guys get it.

What We Call the News | Funny Jokes at JibJab

You can check out the rest of there originals here: JibJab.com

HateSpew 7/27

There is a concept that makes my blood vaporize. It's something we were all taught as kids, yet it doesn't translate into the real world. There's nothing like it in the animal kingdom. There's nothing like it anywhere in the natural world as far as I'm aware. And yet some people cling to it as if it were an immutable truth, never changing and solid as stone. It's the concept of "fair".

Anybody who knows me personally has already heard my diatribes on this subject. It's something that I fail to process, thus causing a "blue screen of death" in my brain stem. Every time I hear the word used to denote the equality or inequality of a situation I want to systematically dismember everything in my field of vision. I want to pull the walls down around me.

You may be asking yourself, "Self, why does the concept of fairness turn him into an erupting volcano? Shouldn't we all as civilized people strive to be fair to our fellow man?" Well, I wish I had an answer. The truth is I don't know.

All I can tell you for certain is that nothing is fair. Everything is survival of the fittest. If you can't hack it, there's someone out there that can...someone who doesn't rely on "fairness" to get it done.

We're not promised anything in this world. All we can do is the best we can do. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it's not. In life not everyone gets a trophy for trying their best. You're not always going to get to play. I think a big part of life is having to learn to deal with disappointment.

I'm really afraid of the generation we're raising. I see kids every day that have this sense of entitlement. A sense that they DESERVE something, and if they don't get it, it's not fair.

One day they'll get their cage rattled and realize that life is what you make it. It can be a beautiful life, filled with all the things you want. It can be a constant adventure, a continual classroom. It gives you back what you put in. But one thing that it isn't, will never be, and most certainly was never intended to be, is FAIR.

Fair is for suckers.

Didn't See It Coming?

Simon & Schuster, Inc. is a well respected and profitable publishing house whose stable of clients include the likes of Stephen King, Dan Brown, and Jeffery Deaver. However they currently find themselves in litigation with two individuals over money they were advanced, yet never produced their agreed autobiographies.

This probably wouldn't have hit me as hilarious except that the two people who were advanced the money were rappers "Foxy Brown" and "Lil' Kim". Adding to the hilarity is the fact that both of these ladies have been incarcerated; Brown for "violating probation arising from a fight with two manicurists" and Kim for "lying about a shooting". I guess it's hard to get your thoughts collected and down on paper with all that racket going on in the pokey.

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?? It seems perfectly legitimate to give these two upstanding and presumably literate citizens advances of $75K and $40K to produce the stories of their lives. Who wouldn't want to read that book? I can hear the conversation in the S & S boardroom now:

Suit #1: Sales are down boys. We need a new cash cow to really punch up our bottom line for the year. Our projections are looking grim. Ideas?

Suit #2: Well...there is this one little project I've been working on. See, I was thinking that if we took about $115,000 and just lit it on fire, danced around it until the fire goes out, then peed on it, a money tree would sprout like a phoenix from the ashes and we'd have all the money we need!

Suit #3: You know, for the same money we COULD get some has-been, "hard core", feuding lady rappers to write the story of their lives. They could tell us about their hard-scrabble upbringing and their fight to get to the top of the male-dominated rap game. It could be HUGE!

Suit #1: I like the clip of your jib. While the money tree sounds promising, the rapperess idea is almost a lock. Are you sure $115,000 will get it done? There could be a bidding war for an idea this sure-fire...

Suit #3: All we can do is say a little prayer. I'll get on the horn.

Honestly, who's running the show up there at S & S, Inc.? Some dude in a yurt on a Valium laced peyote trip??

Here's the link to the story on USA Today's site: Link BI-ATCH!

How Now?

Uke Love

This is why I cannot have free time. I'm kicked back, having a Beam Black on the rocks and casually poking around YouTube...just searching for whatever piques my interest at that moment.

Suddenly, for whatever reason, my love for the Ukulele decided to rear it's tiny head. And, YouTube being the cavernous cultural depot that it is, there was enough Ukulele video to quell my ravenous appetite. Of course there was; this is YouTube we're talking about. Nothing escapes its massive event horizon.

There were many videos to choose from...so many I could share with you. But this video stood out. It's hard to say why. Maybe it's because they're Brits. Maybe it's because they play in a "Ukulele Orchestra". Maybe because the oldest guy on the stage is singing this classic. Or maybe it was because the first close-up of the crowd was probably the only black guy in the whole place. I'm actually a little surprised they didn't ask him to come up and do an interpretive dance...'cause you know he can dance! Whatever it was, I was ready to throw down. You damn right I was.



A further search turned up this gem by the same "orchestra". I dedicate it to iJon. Smells Like a Link

Compelling Intel

Yesterday FoxNews reported that Dr. Edgar Mitchell knows for a fact that there is extra-terrestrial life, and that we have had close contact with them. Generally I am skeptical of purported "Doctors" saying stuff like this because there are some Universities that will through a Ph.D in your car window as you drive by. Lots of crackpots and charlatans have a Ph.D.

For those of you who don't know Dr. Edgar Mitchell's name, allow me to introduce you. He is one of 12 men to ever walk on the moon. While Universities may hand out degrees if you've got the money, NASA in the 60's and 70's was not inclined to let just anyone into space. Those guys were the best and brightest our nation had to offer.

After a little YouTube investigation, you can find testimonies from Gordon Cooper and Buzz Aldrin confirming that they too had witnessed UFO's. Are these addled old men? Did the vacuum of space cause them to fall off the deep end? Hard to say.

All I'm saying is that they have no reason to lie and they are/were in the "space industry". They'd have a better shot of knowing what's going on than me. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Here's a link to the FoxNews story: LINKY LINK